So Far Away

right now, I really miss cebu. yeahyeah, I know I say that more often than not, so by now I probably sound like some whiny adolescent, but every time I say it, I mean it.

I'm not trying to underestimate anybody, but unless you've been through the same thing, I don't know if you can really understand what I think and feel whenever I go through these bouts of missthephilippines-itis. I'll be fine one minute, then all of a sudden something will trigger my memory/feelings and boom.

for example: half an hour ago, I was browsing Facebook. no big deal, right? it's always the same--get rid of those pesky notifications that clog up after a while, maybe scroll down to see what's up with my friends, once in a while I'll change my little status thing.

normal stuff.

but while I was checking stuff out, I saw that my cousin had been tagged in a bunch of "first/second day of school" photos at CIE, a school in cebu. and even though it had a sort of stalker-ish quality to it, I checked the photos out. all of them, actually.

as I went from photo to photo, most of the time I wasn't even focusing on the people in them. the details were what caught my eye. I'd look out the window of the photo, staring at the background, looking at the building outside and the hills in the distance and remembering. There'd be a picture of two girls in front of a blackboard making silly faces for the camera, but I'd be reading the assignment written in white chalk. There was a picture of my cousin's class, playing a little game, but my attention was on the posters and decorations on the wall.

about a week ago, I went out with some friends to eat, and somehow the conversation came to a point where I was asked, "which is better, america or the philippines?" without missing a beat, I answered "philippines."

"why?"

at the time, I answered "it just is"
but now that I have a chance to think about it,
I wonder why I feel that way.

SO MANY TIMES, even though I don't really say it out loud, I wonder what it'd be like if I had had my way two years ago. two years ago, I visited my dad in Cebu for the first time in seven years, and I missed the people and places so much that I wanted to stay for good. get my education there and everything. my dad was all for it, but my mom (for obvious reasons) was waaaay against it. I did NOT want to take that plane back, I was crying the entire way because I missed my family so much. my parents and I had reached an agreement that I would go back to california for a month or so, and once things had settled down I'd be able to go back depending on the circumstances.

during the "hiatus," my family in california kept persuading me NOT to go.
"I've done so much for you, and you're thanking me by leaving me?"
"Your mom's done so much for you all by herself. If I was her, I don't think I'd have been able to do the same thing."
blehblehbleh..

I don't want to think about the details, so long story short, eventually I wasn't able to go back.

more or less, I've come to terms with that. but honestly, sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be back home. what if I had fought so hard for my way, that I had gotten it? would I miss my friends here in california? (at the time, when I wanted to stay in cebu, it's kind of sad but my friends held NO persuasiveness whatsoever. none. I didn't feel like I'd miss them at all.)

what would be different?

there's no way of describing this feeling. now that I'm here for good (I think?), I'm plagued with questions for myself: what did I miss? what's going on in cebu right now? if I had stayed, what would have happened? there's no way of knowing now--one more year of high school left, and leaving my senior year is beyond lame. and similarly, I wonder about the idea that if I HAD gotten my way, would I MISS my life here?

my sophomore and junior years in high school have been filled with so many blessings.
sophomore year: the year that I grew close with two of the greatest girl friends anybody could ever have.
junior year: the year I met my best friend, and I'm not just throwing words around.

those three alone make me thankful that I ended up coming back.

still, I can't help but wonder.
what would have happened?