I want to move back to Cebu.
again.
efffffffffffffffffffffffff
why do I keep gettin relapses of this feeling?
I fucking messed everything up.
too emotional & too empathetic. if I didn't care so much about how my family here would react to me moving back, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
What's Your OCD?
I will count the words you say,
I will count the syllables of the words you say,
I will count the letterstrokes of your phrases when you talk to me,
I will count the letterstrokes of what I read,
I will count the number of letters on signs,
I will count the number of letters in subtitles,
I will count the number of letters in a random word you give me.
I will count almost anything.
I will check to see what direction my brush is facing after I've put it in its drawer.
I will do this four or five times.
I will make sure that whatever happens to my right side, happens to my left.
If something adds up to 10 or any multiple thereof, I consider it 'perfect'.
For example, the word 'OKAY' is perfect.
O = 1
K = 3
A = 3
Y = 3
1 + 3 + 3 + 3 = 10.
But 'okay' is not perfect, because
o = 1
k = 3
a = 2
y = 2
1 + 3 + 2 + 2 = 8.
Capitalization matters.
I will play with numbers.
I will manipulate them in whatever way I see fitting.
For example, my birthday is July 23, 1992.
7/23/1992.
This is what I see:
723/1992, so that I can work with each side.
Then I see 7 / 23 and 19 / 92.
Now there are small numbers to work with.
Taken individually:
7 is still 7.
2 to the power of 3 = 8.
LEFT SIDE IS TAKEN CARE OF.
19? 9 - 1 = 8.
9 - 2 = 7.
RIGHT SIDE IS TAKEN CARE OF.
Now if you put that all together, in the same order.
7887.
It is a palindrome now and I am satisfied.
When I count syllables, I envision a square split into four equal parts.
Each one "holds" a syllable.
Two cycles: vertical and horizontal.
It helps me tell whether there is an even or odd number of syllables.
I have counted syllables since I was six years old.
I can't study with music playing.
I will end up counting the beats in the song,
envisioning the notes,
and analyzing dynamics.
You can count on me [; LAME WORDPLAY.
What's YOUR OCD?
I will count the syllables of the words you say,
I will count the letterstrokes of your phrases when you talk to me,
I will count the letterstrokes of what I read,
I will count the number of letters on signs,
I will count the number of letters in subtitles,
I will count the number of letters in a random word you give me.
I will count almost anything.
I will check to see what direction my brush is facing after I've put it in its drawer.
I will do this four or five times.
I will make sure that whatever happens to my right side, happens to my left.
If something adds up to 10 or any multiple thereof, I consider it 'perfect'.
For example, the word 'OKAY' is perfect.
O = 1
K = 3
A = 3
Y = 3
1 + 3 + 3 + 3 = 10.
But 'okay' is not perfect, because
o = 1
k = 3
a = 2
y = 2
1 + 3 + 2 + 2 = 8.
Capitalization matters.
I will play with numbers.
I will manipulate them in whatever way I see fitting.
For example, my birthday is July 23, 1992.
7/23/1992.
This is what I see:
723/1992, so that I can work with each side.
Then I see 7 / 23 and 19 / 92.
Now there are small numbers to work with.
Taken individually:
7 is still 7.
2 to the power of 3 = 8.
LEFT SIDE IS TAKEN CARE OF.
19? 9 - 1 = 8.
9 - 2 = 7.
RIGHT SIDE IS TAKEN CARE OF.
Now if you put that all together, in the same order.
7887.
It is a palindrome now and I am satisfied.
When I count syllables, I envision a square split into four equal parts.
Each one "holds" a syllable.
Two cycles: vertical and horizontal.
It helps me tell whether there is an even or odd number of syllables.
I have counted syllables since I was six years old.
I can't study with music playing.
I will end up counting the beats in the song,
envisioning the notes,
and analyzing dynamics.
You can count on me [; LAME WORDPLAY.
What's YOUR OCD?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
No Anesthesia
today I went to the dentist.
holysmokes, I do not like the dentist. nononono. which kinda sucks because I have to go back in about a week -___- here's the breakdown:
mmkay, so I get there, sign in, blahblahblah, wait my turn. I get in there and they gag me with the x-ray thing that gets shoved in your snapper. mmm, yummy. then we did the whole cleaning session, no big deal. took more x-rays after. I thought we were done.
oh, NO SIRREEEE
they decided to change my fillings.
thank you dentistry.
so they gave me a choice: with an anesthesia shot, or without.
if you don't know already, syringes/needles scare the effin' bonanza outta me. I'm no psychiatrist, but personally I categorize it as a "phobia." my reactions to shots aren't on the high end of the phobia-o-meter, but mentally I'm going bonkers. I don't know why I freak out, I just know I do, and that's that. it's gotten better lately but eh.
anyway... no anesthesia, and they were drilling little dents into my teeth.
replacing the old fillings and whatnot.
the area still hurts.
meep.
the same thing will happen later this week, perhaps.
oh the fun I shall have -___-
i think i'm gonna get ready for bed now.
GOODNIGHT,
& FLOSSFLOSSFLOSS ! :D
holysmokes, I do not like the dentist. nononono. which kinda sucks because I have to go back in about a week -___- here's the breakdown:
mmkay, so I get there, sign in, blahblahblah, wait my turn. I get in there and they gag me with the x-ray thing that gets shoved in your snapper. mmm, yummy. then we did the whole cleaning session, no big deal. took more x-rays after. I thought we were done.
oh, NO SIRREEEE
they decided to change my fillings.
thank you dentistry.
so they gave me a choice: with an anesthesia shot, or without.
if you don't know already, syringes/needles scare the effin' bonanza outta me. I'm no psychiatrist, but personally I categorize it as a "phobia." my reactions to shots aren't on the high end of the phobia-o-meter, but mentally I'm going bonkers. I don't know why I freak out, I just know I do, and that's that. it's gotten better lately but eh.
anyway... no anesthesia, and they were drilling little dents into my teeth.
replacing the old fillings and whatnot.
the area still hurts.
meep.
the same thing will happen later this week, perhaps.
oh the fun I shall have -___-
i think i'm gonna get ready for bed now.
GOODNIGHT,
& FLOSSFLOSSFLOSS ! :D
Thursday, June 18, 2009
So Far Away
right now, I really miss cebu. yeahyeah, I know I say that more often than not, so by now I probably sound like some whiny adolescent, but every time I say it, I mean it.
I'm not trying to underestimate anybody, but unless you've been through the same thing, I don't know if you can really understand what I think and feel whenever I go through these bouts of missthephilippines-itis. I'll be fine one minute, then all of a sudden something will trigger my memory/feelings and boom.
for example: half an hour ago, I was browsing Facebook. no big deal, right? it's always the same--get rid of those pesky notifications that clog up after a while, maybe scroll down to see what's up with my friends, once in a while I'll change my little status thing.
normal stuff.
but while I was checking stuff out, I saw that my cousin had been tagged in a bunch of "first/second day of school" photos at CIE, a school in cebu. and even though it had a sort of stalker-ish quality to it, I checked the photos out. all of them, actually.
as I went from photo to photo, most of the time I wasn't even focusing on the people in them. the details were what caught my eye. I'd look out the window of the photo, staring at the background, looking at the building outside and the hills in the distance and remembering. There'd be a picture of two girls in front of a blackboard making silly faces for the camera, but I'd be reading the assignment written in white chalk. There was a picture of my cousin's class, playing a little game, but my attention was on the posters and decorations on the wall.
about a week ago, I went out with some friends to eat, and somehow the conversation came to a point where I was asked, "which is better, america or the philippines?" without missing a beat, I answered "philippines."
"why?"
at the time, I answered "it just is"
but now that I have a chance to think about it,
I wonder why I feel that way.
SO MANY TIMES, even though I don't really say it out loud, I wonder what it'd be like if I had had my way two years ago. two years ago, I visited my dad in Cebu for the first time in seven years, and I missed the people and places so much that I wanted to stay for good. get my education there and everything. my dad was all for it, but my mom (for obvious reasons) was waaaay against it. I did NOT want to take that plane back, I was crying the entire way because I missed my family so much. my parents and I had reached an agreement that I would go back to california for a month or so, and once things had settled down I'd be able to go back depending on the circumstances.
during the "hiatus," my family in california kept persuading me NOT to go.
"I've done so much for you, and you're thanking me by leaving me?"
"Your mom's done so much for you all by herself. If I was her, I don't think I'd have been able to do the same thing."
blehblehbleh..
I don't want to think about the details, so long story short, eventually I wasn't able to go back.
more or less, I've come to terms with that. but honestly, sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be back home. what if I had fought so hard for my way, that I had gotten it? would I miss my friends here in california? (at the time, when I wanted to stay in cebu, it's kind of sad but my friends held NO persuasiveness whatsoever. none. I didn't feel like I'd miss them at all.)
what would be different?
there's no way of describing this feeling. now that I'm here for good (I think?), I'm plagued with questions for myself: what did I miss? what's going on in cebu right now? if I had stayed, what would have happened? there's no way of knowing now--one more year of high school left, and leaving my senior year is beyond lame. and similarly, I wonder about the idea that if I HAD gotten my way, would I MISS my life here?
my sophomore and junior years in high school have been filled with so many blessings.
sophomore year: the year that I grew close with two of the greatest girl friends anybody could ever have.
junior year: the year I met my best friend, and I'm not just throwing words around.
those three alone make me thankful that I ended up coming back.
still, I can't help but wonder.
what would have happened?
I'm not trying to underestimate anybody, but unless you've been through the same thing, I don't know if you can really understand what I think and feel whenever I go through these bouts of missthephilippines-itis. I'll be fine one minute, then all of a sudden something will trigger my memory/feelings and boom.
for example: half an hour ago, I was browsing Facebook. no big deal, right? it's always the same--get rid of those pesky notifications that clog up after a while, maybe scroll down to see what's up with my friends, once in a while I'll change my little status thing.
normal stuff.
but while I was checking stuff out, I saw that my cousin had been tagged in a bunch of "first/second day of school" photos at CIE, a school in cebu. and even though it had a sort of stalker-ish quality to it, I checked the photos out. all of them, actually.
as I went from photo to photo, most of the time I wasn't even focusing on the people in them. the details were what caught my eye. I'd look out the window of the photo, staring at the background, looking at the building outside and the hills in the distance and remembering. There'd be a picture of two girls in front of a blackboard making silly faces for the camera, but I'd be reading the assignment written in white chalk. There was a picture of my cousin's class, playing a little game, but my attention was on the posters and decorations on the wall.
about a week ago, I went out with some friends to eat, and somehow the conversation came to a point where I was asked, "which is better, america or the philippines?" without missing a beat, I answered "philippines."
"why?"
at the time, I answered "it just is"
but now that I have a chance to think about it,
I wonder why I feel that way.
SO MANY TIMES, even though I don't really say it out loud, I wonder what it'd be like if I had had my way two years ago. two years ago, I visited my dad in Cebu for the first time in seven years, and I missed the people and places so much that I wanted to stay for good. get my education there and everything. my dad was all for it, but my mom (for obvious reasons) was waaaay against it. I did NOT want to take that plane back, I was crying the entire way because I missed my family so much. my parents and I had reached an agreement that I would go back to california for a month or so, and once things had settled down I'd be able to go back depending on the circumstances.
during the "hiatus," my family in california kept persuading me NOT to go.
"I've done so much for you, and you're thanking me by leaving me?"
"Your mom's done so much for you all by herself. If I was her, I don't think I'd have been able to do the same thing."
blehblehbleh..
I don't want to think about the details, so long story short, eventually I wasn't able to go back.
more or less, I've come to terms with that. but honestly, sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be back home. what if I had fought so hard for my way, that I had gotten it? would I miss my friends here in california? (at the time, when I wanted to stay in cebu, it's kind of sad but my friends held NO persuasiveness whatsoever. none. I didn't feel like I'd miss them at all.)
what would be different?
there's no way of describing this feeling. now that I'm here for good (I think?), I'm plagued with questions for myself: what did I miss? what's going on in cebu right now? if I had stayed, what would have happened? there's no way of knowing now--one more year of high school left, and leaving my senior year is beyond lame. and similarly, I wonder about the idea that if I HAD gotten my way, would I MISS my life here?
my sophomore and junior years in high school have been filled with so many blessings.
sophomore year: the year that I grew close with two of the greatest girl friends anybody could ever have.
junior year: the year I met my best friend, and I'm not just throwing words around.
those three alone make me thankful that I ended up coming back.
still, I can't help but wonder.
what would have happened?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
ACLAN Clan Cousins<3
these people are the loves of my life, the chocolate chips in my cookie, the best of the best of the best. :D
i miss them. all my kuyas and ates. and the littles ones too of course ! this picture isn't of all of us cousins, since there were a few that couldn't make it, but it's a pretty good chunk of 'em. you can SO tell that we're related, not only by picture but (if you've ever seen us all in real life) by the way we are. our personalities, our talents, us. i don't see them that often, unfortunately--except for shannen, but she was a given--but when i do, it's almost always a party ! LITERALLY. shannen and i are the only ones that live in california, everyone else lives in the philippines or texas or new jersey so the only time they ever visit is when there's a huge family event.
V V V my cousin > your cousins
ahhhhh, memories.. we just decided to sing "seasons of love", SPUR OF THE MOMENT. i was the one who said "oy!" at the beginning and everyone made fun of me -__-; hahaha & i'm on piano too. this video pretty much personifies who we are as a family. i can't wait till we get to do something like this again.
mahal kita <3
6.16.09
today (well, technically yesterday now that it's the wee hours of wednesday morning), i definitely managed to keep myself verrrry busy [: first of all, paul came over and we had a "wilderness adventure." not really, more like i got us lost for a little while... heh. oops
weird conversations, as usual. my legs kinda hurt right now for some reason. after going around, we came back to my house and ATTEMPTED to camwhore.. i say attempted, because since neither of us do that very much, it took us twenty tries just to get the camera aimed right. and there's one video but i think it embarasses him [: "meeeow" wowww. i think he fell asleep on my text. yeeeesh -__-;
food 4 less, michaels, staples, dollar tree, tuesday morning, bank, 99 ranch, coldstone. all in all today was pretty okay.
SLEEEEP !
weird conversations, as usual. my legs kinda hurt right now for some reason. after going around, we came back to my house and ATTEMPTED to camwhore.. i say attempted, because since neither of us do that very much, it took us twenty tries just to get the camera aimed right. and there's one video but i think it embarasses him [: "meeeow" wowww. i think he fell asleep on my text. yeeeesh -__-;
food 4 less, michaels, staples, dollar tree, tuesday morning, bank, 99 ranch, coldstone. all in all today was pretty okay.
SLEEEEP !
Monday, June 15, 2009
negative one
PAuLM TRhEE: DID I GET
PAuLM TRhEE: +1 ALYSSA POINTS
hoy alyssa: yeah you got +2
PAuLM TRhEE: oh snap!
PAuLM TRhEE: wats the scoreboard now
hoy alyssa: negative 1
PAuLM TRhEE: oh jeez
you lose :D
PAuLM TRhEE: +1 ALYSSA POINTS
hoy alyssa: yeah you got +2
PAuLM TRhEE: oh snap!
PAuLM TRhEE: wats the scoreboard now
hoy alyssa: negative 1
PAuLM TRhEE: oh jeez
you lose :D
Saturday, June 13, 2009
last day of school
was pretty alright, actually. [:
the time when i was at school was just going through the motions one last time. usually i feel really nostalgic and stuff on the last day of school, but yesterday felt normal. after sixth period (a.k.a. last class ever of junior year!) i went with some people to that korean restaurant by albertsons. bahahahaha kenneth's pet shrimp that customers kept stepping on. i met felicia for the first time yesterday and i think we got along pretty well [: hope to hang out with her during the summer, she's a pretty chill girl.
i kept having to spear my food with my chopsticks because i'm not very good at using them, so eventually a fork was needed. if i hadn't received one, i'd have taken three hours to finish that bulgogi, which i didn't even end up finishing anyway, but still. apparently paul can't play the serious game with me because it's too hard -__- HAHAHA, four seconds in and he lost. i spilled water all over my section of the table, what a klutz.
then after lunch (note to self: i owe paul $1.61, thanks for spotting me) i went to the library to wait for kenneth to pick me up again so that he could give me a ride to PVHMC. i changed into my uniform in the library restroom, and while i was taking my earrings out and changing my shoes and putting my hair up, these three little kids kept watching me O.O so curious.
after hospital i went to kathleen's house and saw SOPHIA SUN for the first time in a while. she me angela and tiffany went to click [; jeeez we spent forever in that decoration booth. good times good times.
i hope this summer is a good one <3
the time when i was at school was just going through the motions one last time. usually i feel really nostalgic and stuff on the last day of school, but yesterday felt normal. after sixth period (a.k.a. last class ever of junior year!) i went with some people to that korean restaurant by albertsons. bahahahaha kenneth's pet shrimp that customers kept stepping on. i met felicia for the first time yesterday and i think we got along pretty well [: hope to hang out with her during the summer, she's a pretty chill girl.
i kept having to spear my food with my chopsticks because i'm not very good at using them, so eventually a fork was needed. if i hadn't received one, i'd have taken three hours to finish that bulgogi, which i didn't even end up finishing anyway, but still. apparently paul can't play the serious game with me because it's too hard -__- HAHAHA, four seconds in and he lost. i spilled water all over my section of the table, what a klutz.
then after lunch (note to self: i owe paul $1.61, thanks for spotting me) i went to the library to wait for kenneth to pick me up again so that he could give me a ride to PVHMC. i changed into my uniform in the library restroom, and while i was taking my earrings out and changing my shoes and putting my hair up, these three little kids kept watching me O.O so curious.
after hospital i went to kathleen's house and saw SOPHIA SUN for the first time in a while. she me angela and tiffany went to click [; jeeez we spent forever in that decoration booth. good times good times.
i hope this summer is a good one <3
Saturday, June 6, 2009
weeeeew !
today was great. polynesian club banquet this year, awww... i'm gonna miss the seniors. but next year's gonna be THE best, guaranteed. [: 2009-2010 public relations officer, yeeey !
then after banquet i went to paulm trhee's house to do a bit of GC stuff. hahaha we scared ourselves silly with that 'psycho' video. WTF WAS THAT THING. AND HE STARTED ACTING POSSESSED. WHYYYYYYY. -__- last GC this year... i'ma miss all those funny times and memories, esp. the first GC when we didn't know what the heck we were doing and it took us forever to figure out how to burn a video onto a dvd... good times.
now i'm at home.
[:
ps. hedgehogs are adorable. look them up on google images & squeal w/ delight
then after banquet i went to paulm trhee's house to do a bit of GC stuff. hahaha we scared ourselves silly with that 'psycho' video. WTF WAS THAT THING. AND HE STARTED ACTING POSSESSED. WHYYYYYYY. -__- last GC this year... i'ma miss all those funny times and memories, esp. the first GC when we didn't know what the heck we were doing and it took us forever to figure out how to burn a video onto a dvd... good times.
now i'm at home.
[:
ps. hedgehogs are adorable. look them up on google images & squeal w/ delight
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
aggravation
for future reference: when i get my monthy punctuation, it's best to just NOT get on my nerves. don't even try to see how far you can go. you won't.
today, poly officer speeches and voting for 2009-2010 took place. i'm running for public relations this year, hopefully it works out. if not, that's fine too i guess. it's all in God's hands so i won't be too disappointed.
poly banquet is this saturday...........
I'M GOING TO MISS THE SENIORS A LOT
]:
after voting and stuff, (part) of my gc group filmed scene 3. i wanted to punch something/someone in the face for almost the entire time and BEING IN PUNCTUATION MODE DID NOT HELP A BIT. ooohhhhh my goodness just be there next time so that i stay sane. erica kept me somewhat sane but if i had been stuck there with the other two only..... hahahaha good things would not come out of it.
mmkay. angry alyssa subsides. [:
awwwww the commercial with the "i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you" song is on. nice song nice song.
a certain friend of mine decided to dress up and dance like michael jackson the other day and omgah he is just insane... but in a good way! i think. puts the spice in life. i'd like to rewind to november, before everything just began spewing all over the place. ah well, change is inevitable and it's just part of life, i'm just really bad at getting used to it /: times, they are a-changing.
today, poly officer speeches and voting for 2009-2010 took place. i'm running for public relations this year, hopefully it works out. if not, that's fine too i guess. it's all in God's hands so i won't be too disappointed.
poly banquet is this saturday...........
I'M GOING TO MISS THE SENIORS A LOT
]:
after voting and stuff, (part) of my gc group filmed scene 3. i wanted to punch something/someone in the face for almost the entire time and BEING IN PUNCTUATION MODE DID NOT HELP A BIT. ooohhhhh my goodness just be there next time so that i stay sane. erica kept me somewhat sane but if i had been stuck there with the other two only..... hahahaha good things would not come out of it.
mmkay. angry alyssa subsides. [:
awwwww the commercial with the "i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you" song is on. nice song nice song.
a certain friend of mine decided to dress up and dance like michael jackson the other day and omgah he is just insane... but in a good way! i think. puts the spice in life. i'd like to rewind to november, before everything just began spewing all over the place. ah well, change is inevitable and it's just part of life, i'm just really bad at getting used to it /: times, they are a-changing.
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